Misadventures in Dating

Spot: Cavo
Chic: 34/Spaniard
Body type: Fit
Occupation: Dentist

Admittedly, this one was hard to find, so I decided to use good old faithful, to find some authentic Spaniard ass (as in  directly from Spain). Match.com. After spending the better part of 2 days to find and chat with this one online, we decided to meet close to her. She lives in Astoria, known for its ambiance and great food I chose Cavo.

Getting there early to set up for my encounter, I had a couple drinks with the bartender. Let me tell you , this breathtaking Moldavian beauty made me want to ditch my date, but she had to work the bar so I had to settle for  the Spaniard.

My date, now 15 minutes late arrives, after giving her the once over I opted for drinks over dinner, still  thinking of my bar maid, plus she looked a lot better in her pictures. In person I’d give her a sober 7 out of 10. But she was a means to an end, after all her purpose was to help me strike number 3 off of the list.

Sitting at the bar, force to feign some degree of interest I started self medicating. Goose and Red Bull, one after the other. Just as I was approaching a zen state of buzz, she did it. She started playing with her hair.

Was this a sign from the gods? Could I start making my move to go back to her place? Turning on whatever charm I had left in me, I seduced her within minutes.

Deciding to kill 2 birds with one stone, I let her touch me and try to make out with me (obviously to see if the bartender was interested). I slid my fingers up along the seem of her jeans to what I would  assume to be  a rather moist and hopefully delectable pussy. Not sensing any resistance from her I threw some cash on the the bar and led her out.

Side note: She lived 2 blocks away.

My blood pressure starting to build with the anticipation of the kill, I put my arm around her waist sliding  one of my fingers under the waistband of her jeans while walking to her place, gently squeezing from time to time to keep her in the mood.

From the moment we got back to her place we were naked and and I was going for the gold. There was nothing I wouldn’t try to do with her, afterall it wasn’t like I was going to see her again, well not intentionally anyway.

After fucking her a couple times (she gets a B- for the sex), I got up and got dressed.

Chic: What are you doing? Where are you going?
Me: I’m going home.
Chic: You can stay for the night.
Me: No, I already did what I had to do.

Chic starts crying and cursing saying she feels used.

While walking out of her room, I tossed a card that simply read “casualdater.net” told her to check out the website in a week or two and it will explain everything.

Adios…

Casual Dater Hit List, Match.com Cavo, Match.com, spaniard

Spot: W on 30th and Lexington
Chic: 26, Native American/Scottish
Occupation: Stripper

Now this isn’t my first foray with a stripper outside of the clubs, but it was definitely memorable. I picked up the scent of a gold digger when I spoke to her earlier that day. So I figured I would wine her, dine her and of course 69 her (that is a side note).

I get to the hotel bar, I picked her out from behind, great legs and a nice posture. Decided that tonight I was going balls to the wall, all out.

Eased up behind her and whispered “can I buy you a drink” into her ear, while gently resting my hand on her hip.

Without flinching to my touch she says OK.

First off she has that annoying central Jersey accent, imagine being on a date with Fran Drescher the Nanny.

Now I have never done coke, but been around many that have, so I can usually tell when someone is coked out or coming down.

Anyway we are drinking, I’m still deciding if she is worth me getting a room at the W. She is telling me that it is pretty hard working in the strip clubs (Sapphires), being on your feet for hours on end (beats laying on your back like a whore) these days because none of the bankers are coming in. It’s called a recession you stupid cunt!

Here is where it really went downhill for me;

1. She had no etiquette
2. She slurps
3. Her pictures were hot and she wasn’t
4. Her lips were minuscule, to the point where like other women she made them bigger with her lipstick. (Ladies you know who you are, get fucking collagen)

All of the above made me do one thing, drink!

Goose after Goose she started to look better and better till after my fifth or sixth drink she was Bo Derek from 10.

Decided that she isn’t worth the headache of talking to anymore, our wait for the check consisted of Yes or NO conversation on my part. And she wouldn’t shut the fuck up!

The check comes and like every other chic in NY she sits there like a paraplegic, just looking at me pay the bill. (before you bleeding heart mother fuckers say anything, I have nothing against paraplegics) Really? It’s not like I would even let you pay, but the simple “act” as if you would try to pay goes a long way.

Being the whore she truly is she invites me to her place for a drink or 2, thoroughly drunk I agree. Get back to her place her room mate is laid out on the couch with a half bottle of Absolut left and seriously stunning.

This chic tries leading me to her room, but how could me of all people, be rude to her room mate and not sit for a bit to chit chat. First question, how do you know her, the room mate says, oh we work together. That was the answer I was looking for, 2 strippers under one roof. We continue to talk and she is actually smart, goes to Law School on the side. All of a sudden we hear “Oh fuck” so we got up to check on my “date”, turns out she gambled and lost.

For those of you who know me, well you know what that means.

For those of you that don’t, she basically tried farting but some shit came out.

She jumps up and starts freaking out, runs to her bathroom, I go to the living room and start drinking more with her room mate, within minutes, the room mate and I are under the blanket on the couch playing tonsil hockey.

My x-date comes out to catch us and says “I don’t usually mess myself.”

I replied, I don’t hook up with chics that shit themselves.

Apparently stripper number 2 decided to grow a conscience and take her friends side.

Figured that it was better to cut bait and leave.

• Note to self, maybe I should start walking around with wet wipes?

Casual Dater Match.com Easy, shit, Stripper, stupid, The Beautiful Body/No Brains, Whiskey Bar

Cum – thick white fluid containing spermatoza that is ejaculated by the male genital tract

Bucket – typically a cylindrical vessel for catching, holding, or carrying liquids or solids

CUM Bucket – my date from last night.

Its about 1 p.m. on Tuesday and I am stressing because, I mistakenly scheduled 5 Match dates for last night.
Date 1; The Jewish chic
Date 2; The Cuban chic
Date 3; The Indian chic
Date 4; The Armenian chic
Date 5; The Spaniard

Scrambling for ways to make this work, I bite the bullet and decide I have to clip one off and reschedule her for dinner another night as opposed to drinks last night. The Jewish chic is the first to bite the bullet. So perhaps I’ll blog her over the weekend. At least I know she will swallow.
Next is the Spaniard, had to text her saying I was working late, worst case scenario i text her every couple hours saying I was still working.
2 down, 3 to go. Now I figured if I choose 2 different bars across the street from each other I can stagger my dates and give each chic an hour. On my way out the door the Cuban calls and said “something came up” happily I said OK (she prob blew me off for some douche). Now left with 2 chics, I begin to get in the mood for the night allocating say 2 hours a piece.
First I head to Brooklyn to pick up the Armenian, waiting on the corner of her street and like a true hooker she she hops into the car as if I were a John at Hunts Pointe coming for a blow job. Finally we get back to the city, a few martinis in and Im bored, this chic couldn’t keep my interest if she paid me, so I tell her that my buddy is having a problem and I had to go help him out leaving her to work the corner.
Walked up a couple of blocks and I meet the Indian, surprisingly she was pretty hot, got along great, decided maybe she has potential to date, so lets be honest you don’t wanna hear about me wanting to date some chic. Ended up staying with her for 5 hours.
Now properly drunk and horny I decided to text the Armenian, figured she would be up for a shag, and guess what I was right. Ended up meeting her at Marquee, god I felt old. She comes out with some Russian chic and we go back to her place in BK, I’m fucking her in every hole and she is a a screamer.

Side note: She is 26 years old, in Law School and lets just say I doubt you would want her to represent you.

I’m about ready to blow my load when I decided I hadn’t given a pearl necklace in a while so I pulled out, flipped her over and as I took off the condom I came all over her.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS PRETTY FUCKING DISGUSTING.

She looks at me smiling, rolls onto her stomach, does a wiggle and dries/cleans herself off with her sheets and turns to me and says let go to bed.
Are you fucking kidding me, you just rubbed my cum all over your bed and expect me to sleep in it. FUCK NO! How many other guys jizz is probably smeared throughout her sheets.
I got up, threw my clothes on and hunted a few blocks to find a cab back home.

Casual Dater Match.com armenian, bucket, cuban, Cum, indian, jewish, Marquee, Night Life, Slut, spaniard, Whore

Spot: 2 Gold St.
Chic: 26/Dominican Republic
Body type: Fit
Occupation: See later in post

Got to this bar and I’m dead tired had to do Red Bull, coffee and a cocktail just to keepp myself from falling asleep on the bar while waiting for a Match chic. Finally she gets there. First off, this is probably the third date in a row where the chic doesn’t even look half as good as her pictures online. Seriously, I have to drag my ass out to a bar to meet a chic that well is pretty fucking ugly!

The only saving grace from this night is the fact my cousin got there when he did to feed me shot after shot after shot. Not only was she ugly, she was fucking annoy.ing By the way who has 5 different cell phones, drug dealers and/or prostitutes do. Mind you she lives alone and “works” from home. So its a toss up as to what she really does.

Side note: Tits are eh, face should come with a paper bag and well she is a bit thick, EVERYWHERE!

Finally my cousin manages to get me drunk and my cock takes over, started making out with her at the bar (I think) and like clockwork the little slut says my place or yours?
Knowing that I wouldn’t want to have to deal with kicking her out tomorrow morning. Although I was on Facebook earlier and I saw this.

“From experience i tend to keep chocolate buttons in the bedroom.
if you r that fucked and you pull and wake up in the middle of the night with some dirty rotten scoundral slip a couple of buttons in her arse crack by the time the bitch wakes up she will think she has shit herself with the embarrassment she will bolt before you wake up.”

Get back to her place, I’m making out with chunky and I decided I was getting hungry so I dropped to my knees and as I started pulling down her panties I think I smelt a dead rat. Her twat smelled so fucking bad that I couldnt even get my Jimmy up to open her out.

This is the second Dominican chic I have hooked up with and had her smell so bad.

Too drunk to do much of anything else, I passed out and when I woke up the next morning, by some act of god I was hard, so I rubbed one out and painted her face.

Moral of the story, if you can do the smell test before you take a chic home…..

Casual Dater Match.com 2 Gold St., cooch, Dominican Republic, stank, Stink, twat

Spot: Blue Owl
Chic: 37/Indian
Body type: Fit
Occupation: Teacher I think

I’m on my second Match.com date for the night.

We are meeting at a bar around Union Square, nice spot, drinks are good, people are hot, I guess they just didn’t let ugly people in.

I get there about 10 mins early to settle in and make friends with the bartender (the bartender can be your best friend if you want to get laid with the chic or ditch the bitch) and claim my spot at the bar.

Eventually she gets there, orders a Tanqueray and tonic, she sits on a bar stool, pulls me closer so her knee is in between my legs (I’m standing). We are talking about why we are on match, she says I’m her first date, I tell her she is prob somewhere between my 100th and 125th date maybe off of match.

The refreshing thing is when she asks if I’m a womanizer I say yes, and this is where its starts to get interesting.

Her knee brushing up against my cock, she keeps leaning in sand smelling me. Finally her drink gets to her. After a sip she hops off of her stool while saying “How tall are you?”, before I could answer she lunges for my mouth and starts kissing me, my kind of woman, no effort at all.

She sits back down, chuggs her drink and says lets go back to her place.

Me, willing, ready and able decided I’ll make to trek to fucking Brooklyn for a piece of her ass.

Get to her place, we are fucking, I’m probing her ass with my finger to see if she would be into anal, and no resistance from her or her ass. I’m thinking this is fucking awesome, I had never fucked an Indian chic in the ass.

Side note: She sucked at giving head and kissing.

After about an hour of fucking we fall asleep, have to give her credit, she wasn’t a cuddler.

Don’t ask me what time, but her fucking dog jumps on the bed and I wake up to something licking my thigh, I’m thinking OK she wants round 2. I turn over and I see her little mutt licking me and I push it away.

I tried going back to sleep, but the mutt kept jumping on the bed, then I realized the entire place smelt like dog.

Thinking that karma gives you back what you give out. I wake up the chic and tell her to drop me home, I mean how many times have I had to walk out into the cold to drop a bitch home.

Almost to my place, she says that she wants me to add her on Facebook, being a nice guy this time I ask her if its Sarah with an H or without an H? She hits the brakes (thank god for seatbelts) and the car skids to a stop on the exit ramp of the Brooklyn Bridge. in Manhattan. All I heard was “who the fuck do you think you are, that you can fuck me and not even know my name?”

I really thought her name was Sara(h), apparently it was Sandra. Honest mistake right?

She starts going on and on about guys just wanting to use her for her body. So I told her, why buy the cow if you are already getting the milk for free.

I guess that was the last straw because she basically kicked me out of her car.

Few hours later, I get a friend request on Facebook from her, so I politely declined sending her an email saying I didn’t want milk for that cow anymore.

She texted me everynight after to meet up with her, but I guess the chase was better than the catch…

Casual Dater Match.com Athlete, Blue Owl, Dumb, Easy, Slut, stupid, Whore

Spot: Her place
Chic: 34/???
Body type: Great ass
Occupation: ???

This story starts off at a New Years Eve party.

Long story short, was talking to a chic and she had to leave.

Basically left there with my dick in my hand, I decided to start texting the chics in my phone, for those of you that know me and know how to really use a blackberry, I have a group in my contact list of women I can just mass text/email.

Finally I get a hit from this “woman” to come over. I say woman because she is 34.

Side note: Know this chic from match, was supposed to meet her a few times, but i was never that into her, so I just stood her up a few times without even a call to say piss off you stupid cunt. And as usual, up until this point I hadnt spoken to or even met her.

She is texting like a fiend, are you drunk, do you really want to spend the rest of nye with me and all the other bullshit some lonely self depricating insecure older piece of twat would say because they were alone with their dog for NYE, could have been worse, she could have been a cat lady.

I do what I usually do to women. LIE!!!

Make my way to Hacken-fuckin-sack New Jersey from the city, and she meets me in the lobby of her condo building. Get up to apartment and she cracks open a bottle of cheap ass white wine, would have been better drinking wine out of a box.

Let me tell you, she had a great fucking ass, the thing was big, round, firm and well you get the point. We start making out, and tearing eachothers clothes off, I’m fucking her, everything is all good. Eventually we pass out.

Wake up the next morning with the wrath of god descending on my head (hungover and possibly still drunk) I look over and this once pretty hot woman was a solid fucking 5 if that. Trying to sneak out her fucking mutt starts barking and wakes her up.

Here is the little mutt!

She is walking me out while I’m asking how I got there, she stops, looks at me and says, do you even remember my name?

I’m like yeah your Natasha right?

She starts flipping out saying her name is *******, then she starts crying, that I don’t care about her and all the other stuff a woman feels and thinks of when she realizes that she is a slut.

Seriously? You never met me before and invite me over for the night and you expect me to respect you, much less know your name. (I did remember her Match.com username) Then they wonder why they are on the receiving end of the shitter.

Casual Dater Match.com desperate, Dog Lover, Easy, loose, needy

Spot: Target/Restaurant/Home
Chic: 32/Italian
Body type: Fit/ Great ass
Occupation: DABA Girl

I’m doing laundry and I realize that I’m missing boxers, t-shirts a few hoodies. First thing I think is they are in the laundry. Wait I’m doing the fucking laundry! Then it hits me, every time a chic comes over, I “lend” her clothes but I never see them again.

Decided I need to re-up on the necessities for the walks of shame.Head over to the nearest Target to get some cheap clothes for my future guests. I’m walking thru the aisles and who do I see? The cunt from the previous post. Let’s call her “Baby Voice”.

This chic gives the term bubbly a whole new meaning; she is basically bouncing off of the walls. Eventually she drops the bomb, she want to do dinner tonight. Thinking with my cock I say ok. The mind numbing conversation over dinner wanted me to again slit my throat. Like seriously, what the fuck makes her think her sons well being is my concern, I’m not the little runts father.

Side note: She was buzzed on 2 glasses of wine so I drove her to my place.

We get to my place, now usually I would actually make an attempt at foreplay, but tonight was going to be all about me. Needed to clear the chamber of a couple rounds, you know get the cobwebs out. After that, it is whatever.

Or so I thought.

Now in my experience whenever a chic tells me “I don’t usually give head,” she inevitably ends up being a champion cocksucker. The ones who say they never do it, do it the best. However, Baby Voice was the exception. By far, she gave the worst blow job I have gotten, she had no technique, her teeth felt like a cheese greater on my shaft, never felt her tongue unless she was licking my cock like it were a fucking lollipop.

I never understood why she was bad at giving head, I mean she was a great kisser…

The first few times she had given me head she made it clear that I couldn’t cum in her mouth, I can respect that, after all I wouldn’t want to cum in my mouth. So in the past I would give her a tap on the head when I was about to cum.

All of a sudden, she starts with the fucking baby voice again. You have to be a fucking pedophile to enjoy a chic sucking your dick while saying “do you like it baby, does it turn you on?” in a fucking baby voice!

That was enough, I couldn’t take it anymore, it was a moral imperative (if you know what movie that line is from ill give you an autographed t-shirt) that I blow my load in her mouth.

As soon as I came, she let out a little yelp like a wondering mutt and looks up at me. Imagine her calling me an asshole while she still has a mouthful of cum dripping down her chin.

Me, being me, started laughing my ass off, like any other chic She got pissed and spat my cum back on my face, grabbed her clothes and said she was going home.

Still laying in my bed trying to get over the fact that my cum is all over my face, she walks back into my room and has the nerve to ask me for a ride to her car.

Being the gentleman I am, I said no, that’s what they have cars for.

Eventually the cab comes and she leaves.

When I hopped into the shower, I broke down laughing at the fact I was now washing my spunk off of me.

Its true what they say, karma is a bitch!

Casual Dater Match.com Annoying, Cougar, Easy, loose, Milf, single mom, Taarget

Spot: Car
Chic: 32/Italian
Body type: Fit/ Great ass
Occupation: DABA Girl

OK, I get the fact that I have a baby face! Treat me like a man, because I’ll fuck you like the man I am and the whore you are.

I’m on the phone with this chic planning to meet later, she is stuck in traffic, I’m on the couch about to spend some quality time with myself when she blurts out, “Aww its Santa giving out presents” in a fucking baby voice.

Mind you the cunt didn’t even have her kid in the car.

Why can’t they make women like they used to?

I know as men we really need to be taken care of and fed, but seriously? A fucking baby voice.

Get the fuck outta here! I will fuck the shit out of her and blog the bitch tomorrow!

Casual Dater Match.com Italian, Milf

Spot: Her place
Chic: Sindhi/39
Body type: Fit/yoga and pilates
Occupation: Fashion

Fast forward thou the night, at a bar (on the corner of Rt 303 and Oak Tree Road) surrounded by a few friends, dozens of firm pieces of college ass (chics that lack morals) and $2 dollar shots. Let the games begin!

We had already been there for a couple hours when one of my wingmen was called back to base by his ball & chain, leaving myself and three buddies to swim in this sea of liquor floating with pussy.

After draining my battery texting every woman in my phone (imagine they made plans for Thanksgiving Eve because I didn’t call then, WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE???), Eventually I get the “come over text” I was waiting for, just not from a chic I really cared about hearing from. For those of you that are on the daily email chain, this is the one that said she like younger men because it makes her feel young again. One word, SLUT!!!

After promising not to have sex with her she agreed to have me over to her place. Figured her pics looked good so why not drive 35 mins to get my end wet, better than waking up alone, or worse yet coyote ugly!

Side note: Up until this moment I had never met or spoken to her her, we have been emailing for about a week or two (found her on match.com) and she keeps saying all she wants is a good man (then what the fuck was she doing talking to me, oh wait I lied to her).

Finally get to her condo while making my way to her apartment I started hitting on some chic in the elevator, why not, 2 birds one stone, well elevator girl wasn’t having it, some bullshit about going to see her BF, Bollocks I say. I get to the Cougar’s door and this gorgeous chic opens the door dressed in lingerie and high heels. First thing I thought about was my bullshit promise not to have sex with her. Fuck that noise, no one opens a door in lingerie at 130 in the AM without intending to at least suck my dick. It would be like me inviting a chic over to just hold hands and watch TV.

I walk into her apartment and there is an open bottle of wine and two glasses waiting for us, after the usual Hi’s and whats up, we start the dance of acting like we aren’t gonna fuck.

Cougar: Oh my god, my day was so hectic, i cooked blah blah fucking blah…
Me: nodding and pretending to care about what she is saying
Cougar: How was your day, anything exciting?
Me: nope, but tonight looks promising, Ill let you know when you make me breakfast (smirk on my face)

After a good 20 mins of her yapping away, I say fuck that noise and reach toward her and start kissing her, and rubbing her thighs to get her into the mood all of a sudden she says, “remember your promise, we aren’t having sex tonight, I don’t usually do these things.”

Don’t usually do these things my ass, as I heard that I knew I would definitely be waking up naked in her bed with or without her. She could have slept on the floor for all I care. We keep making out, eventually she ends up on top of me and her subtle C cups are spilling out of the corset. What is a guy to do? Play with the fun bags of course. She starts stripping me down, have to say she is talented, she took off all of my clothes without skipping a beat while kissing me. I guess older women are talented.

All of a sudden, my stomach feels wet, I look down and realize, ladies and gentlemen, we have a gusher. I looked up at her and she had the smile of the devil on her face, she notions as to say its time for us to take this to her room, we get in there and there are paddles and what some would call some pretty sick shit in there.

Let me tell you I nailed this bitch to the wall, there wasn’t a thing she wouldn’t let me do to her. Eventually we are done and she tries cuddling. What do I say?

“I don’t usually cuddle with chicks I just had sex with.”

Cougar starts crying and saying that I’m just like every other guy that just uses her for sex, was it me or didn’t she say that she doesn’t usually do this kind of thing?

So I do what any self respecting man would do, turned away from her and said if you want you can give me a massage.

Next morning we wake up and I’m getting ready to leave, her mom calls. All of a sudden I hear this angelic voice speaking in another language, while she has her hand over my mouth so I cant make a sound. I was like WTF!

Then I remembered that she was an Indian chic and even if she is 39 and unmarried “she is still a wirgin yaar!”

Moral of the story, older women and younger women are all the same, SLUTS, if they are Russian well they are Slutski.

Its been about a week since I came in her eye and every day she email/texts asking when she will see me again.

Silly rabbit, if I haven’t answered you yet, chances are I will never fuck you again, much less look at you unless I’m in her neighborhood, drunk and horny….

Piss off you fucking cunt!

Casual Dater Match.com Cougar, Over 30