The old chestnut.

It doesn’t matter how good-looking she is. I don’t care if she is the best piece of ass you’ve ever dragged home from a bar. If you took her to your place, and you fell asleep, when you wake up in the morning, you can’t help it, you have to ask:

“Who is the chick and how did we get home?”

Then you slowly remember and the question gets more serious:

“Now how the fuck do I get rid of her?”

There are no obvious answers, because all of the excuses you can think of sound just like the bullshit lies that they are. The moment she opens her eyes, she is wondering the same thing: how is this motherfucker going to try to get rid of me? Will I have to take a cab home or will he drive me? Do I love him? (They always think this).

OK, so let’s get the easy stuff out of the way first. Why the fuck would you drive her home? Get her in a cab, no matter what you do, you idiot. Why drag it out? It’s like when you take your pet to the vet. The best thing for her is to put her out of her misery. Cabs are there for a reason. They provide girls with fifteen long, hard minutes to think about the smell coming from their crotch because their underwear is in their purse. Cabs are God’s way of reminding girls how dirty they can be sometimes.

Side note: Timing is everything. The cab rule hits home hardest if the sun is just coming up. The Gold medal goes to the man who doesn’t pay for the cab at this time, forcing her to stop at an ATM in her cocktail dress.

Which brings us to the crux of the matter. There are answers to How Do I Get Rid of This Chick? These include: the cleaning lady is coming, I have breakfast with my parents, a doctors appointment, or golf. But the truth is that these are for pussies. The best and only way to get rid of the chick is to do it right after you get done fucking. Stay awake you asshole! This will guarantee that you will not have to spend the rest of the night holding this piece of shit and pretending that you have something special going on.

If you stay awake, you can usually play on her vanity and make it seem as though you are looking out for her. “Baby, I want you to stay here, I really do, but don’t forget all your shit is at home. All your makeup, your hairbrush, your products, a change of clothes. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable in the morning. Call me tomorrow and we’ll hang out.”

Aside: If you try to get rid of her while she is still drunk or just about to pass out, she will not be able to recognize what you are doing and probably agree to leave early. When she gets home that night, she will go straight to bed and pass out not thinking about the whore she is and wake up thinking about what a great guy you are the next day rather than what kind of fucking asshole sends me home in the morning and doesn’t even offer to pay for the cab. This will leave the door open for another bang sometime or even banging her friends another time because she thinks that you are a good guy still.

This immediately makes her think of the Walk of Shame, that terrible feeling of showing up on her street and meeting a neighbour in the blazing hot middle of tomorrow looking like she just got dragged through a bush backwards. All women hate the Walk of Shame. Use this to your advantage.

Advice: Side-step the whole question of how to get rid of a chick. This takes a special quality that most men do not possess: staying awake after shooting your load.

But trust me, if you wait until the morning it will be much harder. Get rid of her early, and always try to make her feel that you are looking out for her best interests.

Because I feel like being a “nice guy” today, here are a few things you ladies should keep in your purses and use pre-walk of shame;

1. Make up remover
2. Pony tail thing/headband
3. Sunglasses that cover most of your face
4. Spare panties
5. Shorts/Jeans
   
6. Tank top or the of the like
7. Flats/flipflops
8. $20 if douche wont call you a black car at which point, re-evaluate what you fuck

Or you can just get  a Walk of Shame Kit…