Misadventures in Dating

We’ve all had fun out of town. You know, you hit the airport and get instantly horny, you get to the hotel, check in, jerk off, call your buddies and hit the town. There’s a whole bar full of chics you’ve never met and you are, “like, so unique.” You are a novelty. “Yeah,” you say, “I’m from New York. I’m only here for a couple of nights.” That’s right, you are drinking on the expense account, buying up the bar, sticking your finger in girls asses on the dance floor. It’s kind of like heaven.

But here’s the thing. Trust me. It is only funny where you are.

If I get one more phone call from one of my boys who are out of town and partying, I swear I will make it my life goal to fuck their girlfriend and make them cry. Stop doing it! The last fucking thing I want is to be sitting at home, watching TV, and to have to take a call at midnight from a bunch of screaming fuckfaces – buddy included. Yes, buddy, you are a fuckface. You know why?

• If you were having as much fun as you say you are, you wouldn’t have time to call me. You are obviously trying to get credit for having more fun than you actually are. Yeah, man, I know you’re a fun guy, that’s why I hang out with you, now stop talking to me and go grab a teenager who will let you shit on her chest. Take pictures. Then we can look at them together and laugh over a scotch, once you are back.

• Cell phones suck. Listen, douchebag, imagine how loud you are screaming at me so I can hear your voice over the music. Now imagine how that sound played through a tiny little cell phone speaker. I can’t hear you, or your idiot drunk friends, or the girls who you claim are all up in your ass. You sound like Stephen Hawking on crack. Give it up.

• I’m a terrible actor. After faking a laugh three times I am all spent. For the rest of the time you are on the phone with me, just know that I am filling out my tax forms, paying bills, or clipping my toenails.

Aside: There are two very small exceptions to this rule. It is absolutely OK to call me if you have been invited to go party with a bunch of chics for the weekend and you want me to book a ticket. Failing that, I’ll put up with the call if one of the girls you have met is coming to NY and loves sharing.

Evidence can be photos , blood or shit on your underwear, or a used tampon. Nothing will bore me more than your lame-ass voice at midnight. Yes, you are my friend, but I have only one thing to say to you: Go fuck yourself.

Advice: Keep it to yourself. Have your fun, and come home with stories and, preferably, evidence.

Casual Dater Commentary, JBIC, Men's Interest, Misadventures in Dating - The Book chics, douche, friends, travel, wing man

As much as women may hate the thought of this, it is true. Never ever underestimate our powers and lies.

Many of my female friends have read these chapters in disgust and anger, mostly because they can’t fathom that we men could think about life and love in this way. Let me confirm right here that all of us do think in this way, even though some are admittedly louder and less ashamed to admit it than others.

Some girls read these chapters and notice that only one or two of the situations have been familiar to them. This lets them feel excluded from the mass of “whores” who the chapters must have been written about. This is a sham. Bitch, be honest! Not only are one or two of these situations relevant to you, but some of them you have experienced in the same night!

But the main crux of this chapter surrounds those girls who read these chapters and swear to NEVER, EVER allow this to actually happen to them. They think that by reading these chapters they have been given insight into the male psyche and that they are better equipped to avoid bastards like me. Well ladies let me set the record straight by telling you that no matter how hard you try, and how conscious you are of the situation, IT CAN STILL HAPPEN TO YOU! You are too weak in the heart to take our barrage of bullshit and compliments.

Aside: Guys, don’t worry about me revealing these stories and giving away our secrets. The truth is that they are all mushy and lame and all it takes to make them forget is a stiff drink, a compliment, a twiddle of the bead, empty promises of weekends away, and lies about monogamy. They all forget what they have learned, and the reason they forget is that they all have a misconstrued theory that somehow, someway they can fix you. They really believe that there is a Utopic relationship out there somewhere. So play the game as you always have and believe me, it will still work.

I have still been able to bang chicks whom I have told about the Murder Scene, and who had actually been victims of the Murder Scene. The truth is, I actually do have money in the birdcage from The Cuddle Deposit, from when I have asked for financial guarantees against prudishness. Tell them what a scumbag you are. They will still want to prove that they can be the one who changed you.

Aside aside: This chapter is especially good when you are a bystander and get to see it all happen. When you have a broad who has ruined men before. One who thinks that her ass doesn’t smell and that she is hot shit. When you get to see a master use these tricks and techniques on her and she eats it all up. Ah this is the joy of being a man and seeing the girl lowered to the whore that she is.

Advice: Girls, just accept the fact that we are pigs and learn to love our ways and our stupid attempts to get at your cheech, rather than trying to fight it. It will make your life so much easier.

When people ask why you are with such an obnoxious pig just laugh and say, “I know he’s crazy, but I’ve learned to love it.”

Advice for the men: Tell the bitch what a scumbag you are on the first night. Tell her about your nasty ways and that you have never been monogamous. That you are a user and a pig.

She will like you even more. She will tell herself that she hates you, but that is false. It will be here goal to change you and conquer you. This will never happen of course, but she will try and it will be fun to watch.

Casual Dater Commentary, JBIC, Men's Interest, Misadventures in Dating - The Book chics, cliche, stupid