Misadventures in Dating

It’s like receiving a gift and it’s not your birthday or Christmas.

What could be better than going out with a chick (or randomly meeting a chick) on a Monday, a Tuesday, or even a Wednesday? These are the quiet days. You usually go to bed and watch porn. You usually spend it watching Stallone movies with your friends. Getting laid on any of these days – but particularly on Monday – means that whatever happens for the rest of the week, whether you go and party your tits off, whether you spend the rest of the week eating lunch with your aunties and uncles, you still had a fucking great week. Shit, visit your grandmother. You’ve been blessed.

Aside: If you’re married or have a girlfriend, this chapter doesn’t apply to you. Nobody cares if you got laid on Monday. In fact, nobody wants to hear about you fucking your girlfriend or wife, ever.

Keep it to yourself. Telling us about the sex you had with your wife or girlfriend is even less interesting than telling us about your last jerk-off session. Only new conquests need apply.

Aside aside: The only time your boys want to hear about you banging your wife or your girlfriend is when it is followed up by a “And then I went out that night and banged a random chick in her hotel room after drinks” or maybe your wife decided to bring a young girl she met at the grocery store home to cook you dinner and fuck all night. That would be acceptable.

Once you’ve gotten laid on Monday, you can relax. Kick back and know that you have done everything you needed to do this week. Even better, never call her again, and whatever you do, don’t give her your business card. She should remain a piece of fortuitous pussy, a fond memory, a symbol of everything that is good and uncomplicated. Don’t look gift pussy in the mouth.

Advice: If your friends ask you to go out for drinks on a Monday night, say “Yes”.

You just never know what might happen. Watching movies the following Friday night has never been more relaxing.

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There is one simple answer to this question, and although this is usually against the rules of decorum, I have to answer the question with yet another question: Are you stupid, woman?

What kind of idiot would think that a man loses his sex drive?

This must be an excuse developed by female psychologists, because as educated and rational as they may be, they don’t have a pig hanging between their legs and thus still, secretly or not, dream of a safe, Utopian relationship with a kind-hearted, loving man. And so they have to rationalize the inevitable: after a few months, that kind-hearted, loving man doesn’t want to fuck anymore. And so they ask themselves, “What caused him to lose his sex drive?” Are you stupid, woman? You clearly let yourself go and/or just got boring! Shed some poundage and break out some new moves.

Or invite your cute girlfriend…

Just this weekend, my cousin was telling a group of us how great things were going with her new boyfriend, how great things still were after a year and a half together, but the only problem was that he had lost his sex drive. She just didn’t understand why he only wanted to have sex two/three times a week. She went on and on about how she has such an appetite for sex and her poor boyfriend really only wants to bang a couple times a week.

Yes, I gave it to her. She’s family, after all. I handed her the truth so that she could learn and deal with life more completely. I said, “What are you, stupid? He did not lose his sex drive, dummy, he simply doesn’t want to fuck you anymore.” I can guarantee that when this guy who never wants to fuck my cousin is out at a bar and he sees a hot piece of ass, he immediately thinks, “Fuck I would love to bang that bitch!” His sex drive is in perfect working order.

I would go as far as to say that just about every single chic I ever meet, I think about fucking in some way or other, even if she’s ugly and I don’t really want to. It’s nothing against our girlfriends, but let’s face it: we are dogs at heart and we just want to chase pussy.

Aside: Look at it like this. How much do you love steak? A nice thick, aged juicy piece of steak? Fucking delicious right? Right! But there is no way in hell that you could eat that exact same piece of meat every single night of the week and still enjoy it as much as you would if you had it once a week. Yes, the second of the week is still good, and the third…well by then we are just eating it so that we don’t have to explain why we lost our Steak Drive.

Men have never and will never lose their sex drive; they simply don’t want to fuck the same piece of ass every day. This is a fact. And yes, sometimes we just want to jerk off. It’s not like we have a sickness, it’s just that we get to jerk off and then all we have to do it clean our pig and wash our hands. No cuddling, no talking and no foreplay. I had foreplay all night long checking out those chicks with no bras on…

Advice: Give your chick at least two or three bangs a week and a good vibrator.

They need to understand that we are not like them. Yes I may love you and everything, but that doesn’t mean that I want to fuck you every day! We have to train them to understand this and accept it. Sometimes I like to eat a boring piece of halibut during the week just to make that steak all the better at the weekend. Don’t tell them that you want to fuck other chicks because that will definitely get you in the dog house and by dog house I mean a long drawn out conversation that you have to explain with lies. Just establish a rule of thumb and don’t be one of those jerks who feels insecure when their girlfriend likes to masturbate with a vibrator.

You got lucky, bud!

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Spot: MO Bar
Chic: 29/Jewish
Body type: Taught
Occupation: IB Analyst

Some talk of a point system. I on the other hand much prefer getting my end wet. I have made my way through the first 10 and will blog them in days to come. With that said, each chic gets a yes or a no for being fucked. Plain and simple.

Having just closed a deal in this PoS market I decided my team deserved a night out on the town. It was time to go big, or go home. This wasn’t going to be a night for the timid. Hell I’d even wager that the women on my team have bigger balls than 90% of you sheep reading this.

Let me preface by saying in NYC “The Jewish Chic” has a reputation for their love of swallowing, but ineptitude for a proper dick sucking…

As we entered I knew the status-quo of this dive would not tolerate our behavior or lack there of, doing the only thing to guarantee our position in the bar I ordered a few bottles of Goose and Champagne (none of that cheap shit you see in the rap videos) for my guys.

Tonight I decided was going to be about my team. Let them cut loose before I put them back into their boxes.

After a couple of hours, now starting to hear the same stories over and over I figured I would ride my haze of Goose and Club over to the bar to find a warm body for the night.

To my surprise, there were a pair of women (one standing the other sitting) at the bar, equally gorgeous. At first sight I knew the traditional approach wouldn’t work on either.

Pealing off my jacket I eased in between and ordered a Dirty Martini. When The svelte tanned beauty that turned out to be Israeli said “excuse me, but we were talking here”.

While hanging my jacket on the back of her stool, I said it’s was OK I didn’t mind with a smile on my face.

Apparently she was taken back by my brazen move and introduced herself as Anya and her friend Alinee.

Within half an hour, the three of us were laughing, touching and flirting with each other. Before we knew it, it was closing time. While in the elevator Alinee begins telling me that she is a fan of anal sex, immediately I forgot about Anya. Apparently you don’t leave Baby in the corner. Anya crept up from behind slipping her hand into my pants while reaching for Alinee. With what I would assume is a nod of approval she says ok lets go back to your place.

Side note: Aline was 32, fit and had long flowing dark hair.

Finally back to my place, music on, lights low and wine flowing like water, Alinee and Anya begin making out running their hands all over each others body. We started with the foreplay and the oral sex, but all I could think about was sinking my cock into Alinee’s Brazilian Ass. Every time Anya came onto me  it was as though I were letting my chances with Alinee slip through my fingers.

Side note 2: As I learned later they are bi and are in a relationship with each other.

Tired of the foreplay I decided to bend Anya over my couch and I started fucking her from behind. The sight of Alinee playing with herself coupled with me slamming in and out of Anya made me harder than I have been in years. It was as though I were reliving my youth.

Eventually it was Alinee’s turn. Now it was time for me to do the obligatory fuck her in the pussy for 10 minutes before I could spend hopefully the better part of half an hour in her ass, as this was the moment I was waiting for. One problem, I used my last condom on the Israeli. With that, I was resigned to have only had sex with the Jewish Chic.

At least I got one off the list.

Shalom…

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