How could sobriety be fun?

I’ve been sober for the last two weeks and I can’t remember the last time I was so fucking bored. Wait, I remember it was when I was in jail! Now that I think about it, I was hung over in jail and I think that I actually might have had more fun in jail than I’ve had in the last two weeks.

Side note: Truth be told, Neither have I been in jail nor has it been two weeks. It has only been one week, but I am so fucking bored that it feels like two. This is a fact of sobriety. Time passes slowly.

Imagine not drinking and partying anymore. You have two choices: exercise, or eat like a fucking pig and get fat. That is precisely what happens to married men who stop going out. Everyone says booze makes you fat but actually, all the meals you miss when you’re a boozer more than balances that out.

Married men don’t really booze anymore because they know that if they have a cocktail or two before they get home, she will piss on his character for the rest of the evening and maybe tomorrow, too. There is only one thing left to do…EAT! Being fat is just no fun. Especially because you will now be a hypocrite for making fun of fat people.

The other side of the spectrum is exercise, which is what I have been trying lately. Yes, you start to feel good and all that shit and you get fit, but you instantly become the boring prick who always talks about his exercise routine. Do you really think that there is a single person out there who really wants to hear about how many fucking minutes you jump rope? No man, I am embarrassed to say that I have fallen into this trap. I feel like jumping off a building because in my boozing days (which I intend to bring back very, very soon, like maybe right now) I would laugh and make fun of people like me.

Advice: Sobriety sucks and you will find yourself in a black and white life like “Leave it to Beaver” if you do not keep a check on yourself.

There is a reason why there are so many bars and clubs out there… People love to booze, do drugs and get laid, as they should! Don’t let the others fool you into believing that boozing is wrong. As long as you don’t turn into slurring, spitting and molesting Joe when you are wasted, it is even OK to get belligerently, black out drunk.

FUCK EM! Who the fuck are they anyway?

Happy Boozing!

After about 20 mins of us flirting with them, I said fuck it and walked up to these chics and started talking to them, we pair off but still in a group.

Eventually I ask her if she wanted to get out of there and she obliged. Get back to her place making out, great kisser phenomenal body, all I can think of is what the fuck is wrong with this chic. Its about midnight and Im on her couch getting head when I started running my fingers thru her hair when I feel it move.

Yeah MOVE! I grab a lock of her hair and I tug a bit and it moves again, so me being me, realized it was a wig and i pulled it off expecting to find no hair or something of the sort. She jumps up and like a lost puppy starts looking for her wig.

Through the laughter I asked her why the need for a wig. To which she replied she didn’t want any of her husbands friends to recognize her in the neighborhood if she was with a guy.

Silly rabbit, do your hunting out of your neighborhood and you wont have to worry about getting caught (well not as likely).

Needless to say after her brief but concise explanation we did what we “came” to do…