Misadventures in Dating

The Thirst that is impossible to quench.

People are such a funny animal. We are taught to be a certain way, do certain things and live a certain way. When we are children, we are taught to play fair and share our toys. When we are teenagers, we are taught to study hard and go to school to make better lives for ourselves. When we are out of school  we are told to work hard and keep focus to have a good future and become successful. All this is for what? Yes you are right it is all in the master goal of getting married and having children and propagating.

There is one problem, we are also taught and told that once you are married you are to stay faithful and be a good husband. There is one problem with all of this. Everything that we discussed about children and growing up and working are tasks that are reasonable and possible to attain. The one final task is literally impossible. It is like asking me to fly. FLY? What you fucking blind man. How the fuck do you expect me to fly? Do you see any fucking wings on my back? Do I look like a fucking pterodactyl?

That is exactly the point. There is and will always be a thirst that is impossible to quench and that is the thirst for new pussy. I don’t care who you are and what you say, every single man feels exactly the same way about this. It is like the empty pit in your stomach that is never filled. One can spend days and nights thinking about a solution to this and come up with absolutely nothing.

Aside: Yes many of you may say that there is an answer to this problem and all it is is to go out and bang a chick when no one is around and you will be fine. No my friend. The problem is that women are trained to know and smell weakness and tom foolery in you. See chapter on They are trained to complain..Don’t think that these thoughts are new to the world you dummy. This has been going on for centuries and all those mothers who have taught their daughters to hate because they hate, have taught them the same thing. And let me tell you the first lesson they teach them , is to complain. It is the lesson of trying to find out if you are fucking around on them. It is a lesson that they will never master, but we are such stupid animals that we have no idea how to tell the difference and we seem to get caught EVERY TIME. Oh and let me tell you once you are caught there is no forgetting! Ever…

I must admit that there is one thing that I do appreciate about Arab culture and it’s that they know and understand how men are and they accept that we must have more than one piece of ass. The only problem with those idiots is that they go and marry all these broads and what do you have then? Multiple women who are taught to hate you…Fucking morons!

Just the other night, I went to dinner with a chick. Sitting at a table right next to us was this couple and the piece of ass that was with this guy made me want to puke on my food and still eat it because the puke was caused by such a beautiful piece of ass. I mean I even sat right in front of her just so I could stare at her with my piercing glare. See chapter on The piercing glare. All I did was think about banging this chick an telling her I love her. While I knew from her dumb ass smile I would be more mean to her than anyone I have ever had the chance to be mean to. I mean this chick was dumb. At the same time I wondered whether I would allow her to shit on my face just to see her pussy. Sadly enough the answer was yes. I would allow her to shit on my face just to have a chance to get a glimpse of that beautiful little pussy.

Advice: Move to Iran, marry your cousin and live a peaceful life with no worries about the thirst. Because I can guarantee you that you will not fuck with cheating in that country. There is one thing that will get my mind off of pussy and that is spending my life in jail. Or you can go to the doctor and start that shock therapy they used to do the homosexuals in the 50’s. Whatever way you look at it, you are cursed for ever. This maybe some sort of payback for all of the bad things that you did in the past.

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…Somewhere there is a man tired of fucking her – Dennis Rodman

If you are looking for a wife, that’s one thing. You are probably losing a bit of hair and wondering if you might find yourself bald, fat, with nobody to dial 911 if you slip and fall on your lard-ass in the shower. She can cook your dinners and make you even fatter and fuck the gardener when you’re out at the gym trying to lose the weight that she told you to lose. Good luck, asshole.

For the rest of us, we often make the mistake of enjoying a piece of ass a little bit too much. Now, this is a tough rule to stick to. Hell, you’ll break it. I broke it only last week. But like alcoholism, admitting you have a problem is half the battle. So please, please try to stick to the Two Time Max principle. Your life will immediately seem brighter, lighter, and freer.

Fuck a girl once. Fuck her again. That’s twice, douche bag. Wrap it up.

We’ve all been there. The moment you break a girl down and finally fuck her, you are immediately burdened with a sinking gray feeling, a kind of nausea. How the hell are you going to get rid of this broad, and, worse, how are you going to avoid seeing her in the near future? Now, what happens in most cases is that we turn all crackly, like the junkies in the street. Once we get rid of her, we suddenly start wishing the pussy was around again. We’re on the phone the next night, calling it back. Like I said, this is a hard one to stick to. Pussy is hard to resist, especially easy pussy.

Before you know it, you are walking around with that permanent Man-Frown. Sure, you’re getting laid. You call her up. She calls you. You meet. But you are losing yourself in the gray cloud. And you know it. It’s not as though that feeling – that same feeling you had the first time, wishing you could get rid of her – has gone away. You still get that feeling all the time. But now, like crack, you are hooked. You are feeding off the nipple like a little fucking baby. And she has your balls in a vice.

Aside: The Man-Frown is nature’s way of telling you to get some new pussy. Make the mirror your friend. Think about how you look when you are free and single, how your eyes sparkle, how you smirk. That bitch will rob you of all of this, and you’ll start frowning. Your skin will turn grey and you’ll end up walking with a hunch. Stand up straight – pussy – and take that fucking lame frown off your face!

After a while, because you didn’t follow the Two Time Max principle, you have turned into the guy who doesn’t know why he’s getting married. You were not even looking for a wife in the first place! I thought we established that. But now, you are marrying some random piece of ass to which you just happened to get addicted.

Advice: Decide whether or not you are in the market for a wife. If the answer is ‘no’, then there is absolutely no reason to visit the same piece of ass any more than twice.

Are you going to run out of girls to choose from? Fuckface? There are millions of them out there. Stick to Two Times Max and you will be alright. (Or maybe just three…).

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This story relates to the age-old advice that we get from our fathers. They say to us: “If you want to know what your girl is going to look like when she gets older, just look at her mother and you will know.”

This leads me to the title of this chapter. I want you to look back in your life and try to remember all the hot Russian chicks you have known. I mean some of these chicks are so hot that I want to puke in my shoes when I see them.

Young Russian women are infamous for being some of the sexiest chicks on the planet. Truth be told, I think that they are the hottest when they are hot. But allow me to pose this question to you:

How many hot Russian women do you know over the age of 40?

Don’t bother. I know the answer. NONE!

The bomb

The Babushka Bomb

What happens to these beautiful girls? Well, I have a suggestion. As Russian girls pass through their thirties, somewhere back in the Homeland, a military unit begins focusing their sniper sights on them. Fuck, they probably use satellites and all that shit you see in the movies. Whatever. And then, once these formerly vomit-inducing beauties pass the big Four-Oh. WHAM! They are hit with the Babushka Bomb.

Their asses grow at a much faster rate than any other part of their body. Their taste in clothes and shoes starts regressing. Seriously, since when were those high-heel-flip-flop shoes in vogue? What on earth makes a woman with dark eyebrows think that peroxide blonde hair with dark roots is attractive? And what about the ones who gain fifty pounds? Does fifty pounds in weight come with a clause that forces one to cut ones hair like a eight year old boy? It is truly one of the greatest falls from grace that I can think of. Lucifer, watch out, we have a contender.

Aside: While first and foremost a Russian weapon, the Babushka Bomb may, at some point, have found its way into the hands of Spain, China, and Mexico. These countries should also be explored with great precaution. While their women are stunning in their younger years, Old Man Time is not kind, not kind at all. Marry at your own risk!

Don’t ever, ever pass up an opportunity to sleep with a hot, young girl, but don’t be a fool and fall in love.

Advice: No matter how hot they are, beware of the Babushka Bomb. You should probably assume that it is aimed at almost every woman you meet.

Unless you have done some serious research. I mean Family Trees and shit. Details. Find out anything and everything you can about the chicks’ genetic code, because more than likely she comes with an expiration date. Bang ‘em when they’re young, man, bang ‘em when they’re young…

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There is one definite difference between men and women and it that is that we do not like long drawn out conversations while they choose to diarrhea from their mouths in just about every thing that we talk about. This is true from the simplest conversations like what should I wear tonight to what did you mean when you said…

My girlfriends can truly talk to me for more than a fucking hour about what they are wearing. I mean does that conversation really have to last so long? The answer is simple, wear something that shows off your tits and preferably no bra. That is for the other guys out trying to get foreplay going for their jerk session later on or for those guys that are out with their girlfriends as well and need a bone as well.

Then there is the serious topic which is usually how you fucked up. Why do we have to talk about this for so long? I mean do we really have to analyze everything that happened? Do we really have to spend three hours talking about the same thing? There is a reason why movies are only two hours long. Attention span man. People can’t do the same thing for more than a couple of hours (other than drinking) and that is for something that they enjoy.

Advice: I have none. There is no way to win in this game.

There are some things that we have to concede to. One could simply cut off the conversation and tell them to fuck off, but all that is going to get you is another conversation at a later time that will have to discuss not only the first topic which we have forgotten about but they have imprinted on their pupils like a teleprompter. But we have to talk about why we cut the last conversation off. No winning here. Just gotta try to not fuck up.

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